Hey, It's Jade!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Fully Relying on God...

Y'know, I don't usually want to blog about things that are going to be depressing.  But maybe it would actually help me to get it all out.  These past few weeks have sucked.  Now, don't get me wrong... there has been so much joy and love and blessings flowing through my life... I really can't complain for the most part.  I know that God is good!  But there are all these things bearing down on us right now, and I don't know what to do with them.  I keep giving them to God, then snatching them right back up to worry about some more.  I can't help myself.  I'm a natural worrier.  I want to have a plan of action, and know how things are going to go.  I don't have anything like that right now.  

What's wrong?  Well...
- My husband's back is in such bad shape that he can barely move at times.  Nothing seems to help.  (Not to mention he still has his full-blown migraines constantly)
- Husband also starts his third job this week.  He has a full-time job, and now two part-time jobs (and that doesn't include a few things he does on the side and the volunteer work he does for church).  It makes me feel awful that he has to work this hard (while in such pain too!) for us to merely survive.  It's not like we're rolling in dough because he's working that many jobs, it's still only getting us by, barely.  We have property taxes due by the end of this month...
- My youngest child has decided that he MUST climb on everything, which, in turn, means he must fall off of everything.  It's seriously becoming a problem.  How many bonks can he get on his head before he becomes brain damaged?  And he doesn't listen.  But, ya know, he's not-quite-two, that's kinda standard and I understand that.
- My in-laws are moving this week.  Not just across town or anything, but 1,000 miles away.  It's really difficult to imagine how things are going to be without them nearby.  Especially right now in the throes of this mess we're in.
- The car situation.  Where do I even begin?  The car (our ONLY car) had some sort of a leak.  It wasn't overheating, didn't blow up, just had a leak so we wanted to get it fixed before it got worse.  We took it to a shop that was recommended by a friend, was on the lower end of the price quotes we got and could get it in the soonest.  We weighed our options, and this place seemed like the best one.  Well, two weeks later we get our car back with MORE problems than when it went in.  It appears that the engine was put back together wrong.  It grinds and vibrates, has a leak still and doesn't start every time.  We've had several people who know engines look at it, and tell us that the place put it back wrong and they need to fix it.  So, we take it back to the place and the guy says he did a little work on it, but the rest of it isn't anything that they did, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it.  Um... what?  Michael will go this afternoon, after work, to check it out and see if the car is fixed.  If not... I really don't know what we do.  If he's refusing to fix what they messed up, I'm not even sure what our options are.  We don't have another car to fall back on.  We can't afford to buy another car or to pay for more repairs (the amount of money that we paid him for this "repair" wasn't chump change... it's a huge addition to our debt).  We don't have time for small claims court or anything like that.  It just feels so dirty and hopeless.  And completely unbelievable.  How do you do that to a family?  "Fix" their car by making it worse and then not owning up to it?  Wow.
- I am madly trying to hash out some sort of plan to get me back working so I can bring in some extra income.  Usborne is not bringing in enough money, no one will call me back or answer my emails, people are avoiding contact with me completely it seems.  I don't really have any other skills that I do at home to make money.  And I don't know what I could do outside of the home either.  But something has to give.  Then what do I do about child care?  About homeschool?  Me working would probably just have me spending my income on child care anyway, how does that help?  I feel like God called me to be here at home with my children, homeschooling.  We always knew it didn't make sense financially... but things always worked out.  Well, now that they're not working out anymore, does that mean it's time for a change.  I don't know.

Things just feel like they're spiraling out of control right now.  I know a lot of this stuff is menial, completely silly compared to most people's suffering and major things wrong with the world (oh, and speaking of... my laptop, still broken after many different people trying to help us fix it, sigh).  God has blessed me far more than things have gone wrong.  But you know, sometimes when you're in the midst of battle, it's hard to see anything but what's directly in front of you. and all you can think of is how to get past it, then we'll worry about the rest.  I will just keep trying my hardest to give it to God, and not spend my energy worrying.  His plans are better than ours.  His ways are always right and just.  I just need His guidance and direction as we have to quickly make some serious decisions about major things.  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement, friends.

It is my hope that I will be able to look back at this blog years from now and think about this time in my life and laugh at how God brought us out of it, and it all worked out for His good.

* Update #1 - The car is fixed!  The guy fixed everything, including the stuff he said they weren't responsible for, and was completely civil about it when Michael and his brother were up there.  They test drove it, and everything is in fine, working order.  Drove it home with no problem... no grinding, vibrating or even any sensor lights on anymore!  Praise God!!!! This is a HUGE burden lifted from us, which means we can focus on other things... because at the moment this was the biggest roadblock.  :::happy, praise dance:::


Sandpiper said...

Hi there, I can identify with what you're going through. It's tough when it seems that one thing goes wrong after another.
We keep having to fix things on our house that we can't afford. My husband suffers from chronic pain too. My worries have spun out of control these last few months, to the point that I almost need medication.
Having said all of that, God is faithful and learning to 'fully rely on Him' is a journey. Taking 'every thought captive' and dropping it at His feet is a daily task.
I hope I have encouraged you. We can talk further if you need to.

Rebecca said...

I haven't read the entry after this one yet, but still wanted to reply :) your comment "it's hard to see anything but what's directly in front of you" reminded me of Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." One time I heard a teacher on the radio say about that verse, how the Word is a lamp to the psalmist's FEET... not 1000 watt headlights to the next 10 miles of the road! Keep in His Word, if just a few miniutes a day... it WILL shed light on your path :)

David and April Vinson said...

Oh Jade! I'm so sorry! I'm so glad to hear that place ended up fixing the car!! WHEW! I am praying for you guys right now. I so respect your heart to be with your children despite the difficult implications. I am praying for God's unmistakable hand in provision for you to continue your essential role with your boys! Hugs! Hugs!