I Am That Stark Raving Lunatic...

This is my life.  Mostly with my kids, though... at least my husband is a little more understanding.  The boys do not seem to respond to me unless I am screaming and flailing my arms about. Or possibly throwing things.  I constantly find myself in absolutely uncontrollable monster mode because I was ignored the first twelve times I calmly asked them to "stop."

I want to be a gentle mother.  I want obedience.  I want pleasant attitudes (mine and theirs).  I do not want my boys to look back on their childhood and remember their mother screaming at them.  But right now, I can't muster an ounce of respect or submission to my authority without going ballistic.  I don't want them to be scared of me... I just want them to know that they are to obey me.  Silly me, I was under the impression that kids were built to understand that their parents are in charge.  I mean, I feel like Michael and I have made this pretty clear over the past 8 years... but, they don't get it.  They continue to push everything past it's limits, to push ME past my limits.  And I feel like a parenting failure.  I keep thinking, OK, it'll sink in soon, they'll realize that they can't get away with this behavior because the consequences always catch up with them.  But, no... the very next day it's the same exact routine, they don't LEARN.  

As a homeschooling mom, there is no break.  I'm with them, basically, 24/7.  And that's tough when I'm spending about 12 of those hours each day saying "No. Stop. Don't do that. Come back here.  Put that down. Stop picking at each other. Listen to me. Pick that up. NO NO NO NO NO NO!" and they're NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME.  I admit I am NOT the most patient person in these situations, but I try to give them a chance.  And they poop all over those chances.

From Preston (8 years old) I get: "But I didn't know" and "I tried to do the right thing."  He did know, and it wasn't the right thing in any way, shape or form.

From Callen (almost 4 years old) I get: "I'm going to do it anyway" and "No!" because he does not think I have the right to tell him what to do, apparently.

I've read a lot of things and I've tried a lot of approaches, but nothing has worked in gaining any ground in this fight.  Prayer, lots of prayers for patience, the right words and approach to use, that they'll somehow just "get it" and be GOOD.  

Why am I sharing this?  My children are not bad, and I am not a bad mother.  I have a feeling there are a lot of other parents in my shoes.  But I hope that one day in the near future I can look back at this blog and I will have figured it out and I can laugh at how silly I was for not knowing then what I know now.  And my two boys will be caring, respectful, upstanding, obedient men of God.  For now I will enjoy those moments where they do the right thing, where they snuggle with me for a few minutes, where they play nicely together, where I handle the situation correctly, where they learn their lesson and where I see that spark of hope that this phase of our lives will end.  I don't want to rush their growing up, I'd just like to be able to enjoy it a little more.

[Edit: Added 01/29/14] I just read these two articles.  Dear Lord, I needed these two articles!
5 Ways to Overcome the Yelling Mom
I Don't Want to be an Angry Mom, so I threw away my coffee pot

Too Much Excitement in my Neighborhood...

A few weeks ago, Michael was working on the light switches near the front door and I was in the kitchen working on dinner with the back door slightly open... at the just the moment I noticed, he asked, "Do you smell smoke?"  We stepped out on the front porch and couldn't see anything but thick, dark smoke.  Something was definitely on fire.  Because of the wind and the amount of smoke, it was really difficult to tell which direction it was even coming from!  Michael didn't have his shoes on, so I stepped out towards the road and then just kept going when I finally realized where it was coming from.  Turns out a garage (separate from the house) was on fire just one block over.  I had met a woman who lived at this house a week or two before at the park, and recognized her teenage son coming out of the door of the house next to the garage.  Another couple had been driving by and saw the flames and called 911 already, and was trying to see if there was anyone in the house.  The firemen arrived just a minute or two later and got to work.  It took a long time and a lot of work to finally get it under control and put it out.  The family has spent the past few weeks trying to tear down the wreckage and haul it away because all of it was basically burnt down.  It was pretty crazy to see a fire like that so close.

A day or two later there was some sort of domestic disturbance (I assume) and there was a shooting just a few blocks over the other direction.  The boys and I weren't home at the time, but Daniel (who is living with us now, by the way) said he heard the Care Flight landing near the Fire Station to transport the victim to the hospital.

And just a few days ago, I heard a loud BOOM around 9am in the morning.  I looked out the window and saw the construction guys were still working across the street (laying new water lines or something).  So, I assumed it was them making the noise and went back to lay in the bed with Callen.  A few minutes later I heard a lot of sirens (which is pretty common, since we're so close to the station), but they got closer and closer and stopped.  I jumped up and opened the front door to see the construction guys standing near their site with their phones all up, pointing at something on the side of our house and the firetrucks were pulling up along the side street, too.  I quickly ran down the hall to the boys' side window and looked out.  There was the house across the street - ON FIRE!  WHAT?!  It was a crazy sight because the side of the house, part of the roof, the carport and the yard was fully aflame.  If the fire truck hadn't just pulled up where it did, I would have seen that their van was completely on fire, too!  I watched the action for a long time, and they got it under control.  But my gosh, that was so close!  Way too close! I am not sure what the cause of the fire was, or how much damage there was to their house yet.  It's a brick home and it seems like the majority of the fire was the van and the carport, but I'm not sure.  I don't know if the BOOM had anything to do with it, or was a coincidence, either.  If I had gotten up and out of bed just a little bit earlier, I would have had a perfect view of what happened right out my kitchen window.

Here I thought living out here in the "country" would mean there would be way less drama - boy, was I wrong!

Simple Goals for January 2014

So, yeah... it's 2014 already.  I cannot believe that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's are gone.  It's quite unbelievable, and almost unfair.  I don't feel like I really got to enjoy the moments because they flew by at a thousand miles an hour.  And now here we are... a brand new year, and "the holidays" are history.

I'd like to start setting some goals for myself each month.  Nothing mind-blowing, like, taking over the 'tri-state area' (leaving that to Dr. Doofenshmirtz).  Simple tasks that need to be done, but that I routinely lack motivation to do.  Perhaps keeping track of them here will help me feel accountable to my list.  I do so enjoy marking things off of a list, after all.

So, here we go.  5 Simple Goals for January 2014...

• Pack Christmas paraphernalia away, return house to 'normal.'
• Unpack/organize DVDs/VHS/CDs (yes, we still use VHS, hush).
• File bills/paperwork and catch up on financial software program.
• Consider Usborne goals for the year, and report to upline.
• Catch up on blog (the move, school, birthdays, Christmas, etc).