I can finally use the acronym SAHM to describe myself. I love that. It seems funny, I mean... I have a 4-year-old, so mommy-hood is not new to me, but with the birth of Callen came the birth of a new challenge in my life: learning how to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom. I am grateful for the opportunity to have this challenge, that's for dang sure! I am so happy that God has blessed me with this chance. Here's hoping I don't completely screw it up!
I've wanted from the beginning of this journey (nearly three months ago now!) to do a good job blogging about it. Well, I haven't. My blogs since the birth of Callen have mostly been short bites about what we're doing so I can keep track of it for future reference - pretty much so I don't instantly forget every single thing... ever. I have not sat and written all of the things swirling around in my head about being a SAHM...because I haven't had the energy, brain cells or time to compose actual thoughts in a way that would make any sense. Seriously, you should read the blogs I have in my head... so eloquently entertaining and insightful. Truth is, I'm not that great of a writer in the first place, but add in two kids and a work-at-home-job that I attempt to devote any extra time to... and what do you get? Unintelligible mush. That's me... mush. And I'm always typing with one-hand these days.
Anyway, the first thing I wanted to cover were my thoughts on leaving my job. A job I loved, and for many years felt I could NEVER walk away from. The people I worked with were more than co-workers, they were family. I loved being part of the ministry of Power FM... such a neat way to spread the Word and encourage fellow believers. I didn't have to preach, I didn't have to sing (you wouldn't want that anyway), all I had to do was talk and push buttons. It was such a blast over the years getting to be part of such amazing things and meeting amazing people - bands, authors, tv stars, people giving it all to Him, best friends... and MY HUSBAND!
I used to think of what it would be like to not be there anymore and it would break my heart. That's one of the many reasons I continued working there after Preston was born... I selfishly just couldn't let go. I wanted to be home with my baby, but I loved my job, felt called to be there... and felt I needed to be contributing financially anyway, no reason to leave! But when Callen was on the way, things were different...my calling changed. I felt it in everything, and knew that I was supposed be home with my boys, and that's all I could think of. How do we make this work? We still don't know, but we stepped out in faith, and Michael and I made the decision that I would not return to work. It was difficult to tell my boss... though I know he already figured I wouldn't return (they all knew my desire to be a SAHM and stood by me, prayed for us, etc). I did it over the phone and let him tell everyone else... yep, I'm a wuss, couldn't face any of them. I made sure to emphasize that I would be available to fill in and help out whenever possible, so hopefully I'm not completely cut off from Power FM.
I went back and helped out during Share-A-Thon in May and it really just reassured me that I made the right decision. It was so difficult trying to fit everything into the day - being with the kids, going to work, lunch, dinner, I never saw my husband except in passing. Yep, there's no way I could do that on a regular basis. I like the idea of going to visit or help out once in a while so as not to completely lose track of everyone, but it's just not for me anymore. I want to thank everyone I worked with over the years for being so amazing. I feel like I made some great friendships, I learned a lot about God and people, and I truly enjoyed my time with everyone (co-workers, bands, listeners alike). I pray that the station is blessed and is able to continue on for a long, long time. I'm still a listener! I'm still a Power Corps Member! And I'm still (technically) an employee!
So, I've been a SAHM now for about three months. It's hard. I was blessed with an amazing job for almost 10 years, and I got 'fat and lazy' there for the most part... these two little guys at home are keeping much more busy than any paying job could! And sometimes I wanna pull my hair out and break down crying, but most of the time it's such an amazing joy and blessing to be here with them every second of the day. More on that to come next time I find it in me to blog (this blog only took three days to compose, haha!).
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